I Remember

I recall the scent of autumn in the sky…
I remember how the wind sang of hope…
Rocks, changing their shapes in the sun…
Mountain springs, equally present and gone…
I remember how it felt
To survive;
/
On that day I was light, water and wind,
Speaking their language — body and mind,
Crying shamelessly and wildly when I
Heard them whisper: “you are not a mistake”;
I remember how it felt
To be alive;
/
I remember reaching the Earth’s
Very burning heart with my fingertips;
My eyes being one with the sun,
I could see without attachment;
I remember
Being loved
/
That day was pure joy
Beyond good and evil –
That one day
Could fill a whole life with meaning;
The day that I stepping over
Oblivion
/
And awakened
From a crumbling dream

But…

You sit by my bedside like vultures

And you grasp my hands tight, when I

Pretend that I have the strength to

Step out of your house – into life

/

You sing to me songs of oblivion;

When I can no longer fight off sleep,

You fill my dreams to the brim

With what sometimes may seem

Like an escape, a grim kind of freedom

/

You drag my thoughts downwards with you,

Whispering, ‘you are already gone’;

Ghosts and demons of hope,

You’ve bound me with the strongest rope,

Through the pain it’s just you I can hear

/

And I’m barely holding on;

And I’m all but going insane;

I’m forgetting my loved ones’ names

And how good it felt to be loved;

And you say to me: ‘it’s ok’,

And I almost believe you, but…

Back/Forward

If I stop now,

I’ll have come here for nothing;

If I carry on,

I will be destroyed

/

And never see where ends the road

Which I was never meant to follow

Yet, I chose to, and I’m standing

By my choice;

/

Doubt and fear can halt me

For a moment only,

When, reflected in the mirror,

I see someone’s changing eyes,

/

Eyes that beg that I turn back,

While also pleading I continue

Walking on until the end,

Be it this of the road or mine;

/

It is easy to have courage

For an hour,

To speak beautifully, hope bravely

And dream of a big challenge;

/

It is harder to remain

Where and when illusions leave you:

On the side of an endless road

On a stormy day;

/

If I turn back,

I’ll have come here for nothing,

If I keep on waking,

I’ll be destroyed;

/

I look back and I look forward

Every day as I keep making

Little steps away from the chance

Of returning home

/

Because I must see the end

Of this long road

To know the reason why

It had to be walked

The Crystal Fortress

The crystal fortress –

The clear expression of the certainly

That the world, which it was built to guard,

Could never yield under attack:

/

Its only knight’s armour

Is but her bare skin;

Her sword’s the clearest of mirrors

Cutting through flesh to reveal the heart;

/

The moat around the fortress

Is filled with blooming flowers,

Whose beauty drowns in joy and colour

Each enemy, who tries to cross – and falls;

/

The gates of this strange stronghold

Are made of silk and spring wind:

Whoever comes to them armed,

Leaves, enveloped in warmth;

/

This fortress hides no secrets;

Inside it no one’s prisoner;

No treasures save for the truth

It keeps in open vaults

At the Station

I have to go –

The air outside is getting cold and lonely;

I hear the call

Of somewhere ineffably remote; the doors of glass

Have closed

/

What you may have to say

No longer matters – I’ve unlearned to listen,

To speak, to touch, to love, to hope

To miss this that I never held but an illusion of,

Fragile and fleeting

/

The train

Is quickly gaining speed, like fire

Flying,

Flying,

Flying;

/

Snow flakes –

My tiny frozen dreams – are falling lower

Down,

Down,

Down

/

I will not see them

Settle on the barren winter ground; watch them

For me, while I am gone,

Gone,

Gone